How To Support Someone Journeying Through Infertility
I chose to write journeying through instead of battling for the title of this blog post because I think there’s one thing that’s very key to understand and remember about infertility. When we think of the word battling we often think of people undergoing treatment for cancer or other life-threatening, serious diseases. She is battling breast cancer. My coworker is battling addiction. While it’s not always the exact case, when we hear the word battling we associate it with winning or losing. She lost her battle with breast cancer. He beat his battle with addiction. One of the most important things to understand about infertility is that pregnancy is not the cure and choosing to end reproductive assistance or running out of medical options is not losing. If you take away one thing from this blog post, I hope that it’s an understanding that infertility is a journey - often a very long, arduous, expensive one.
“1 in 8 couples will struggle to conceive. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Infertility issues are not rare, and they are NOT taboo! When we talk about infertility, we let people in, when we let people in, our burdens get lighter.” - Uniquely Knitted
I get asked pretty often, “please let me know how I can support you” or “I just found out my friend is having trouble getting pregnant, how can I help her?” and really most of the time I am not in a place to really answer that question mentally when it pertains to myself so chances are, the people you care about who are struggling with infertility likely aren’t either. When we need support the most we are usually pissed off, tired and not able to really recognize what we might need. But there are lots of things that you can do to help a friend journeying through infertility.
1. Understand
60% of those who struggle won’t tell their friends or family. That 60% would rather lie and say they aren’t trying to get pregnant. Some people are a lot more comfortable talking about infertility in general, their treatments and their plans than others. Have some conversations with your loved one and try to gauge where they are on that spectrum. Heck, even just ask them. Is there anything off limits that you’d rather me not ask about? Please let me know how comfortable you are sharing with me so that I can respect your boundaries!
For me personally, there are a few people in our lives that we haven’t even addressed our situation with directly even though it’s out there on the internet. So don’t assume that just because your friend tells you things that everyone knows - keep your conversations just between the two of you and don’t bring anything up in social situations unless they do.
Understand that a lot of people don’t talk about their infertility because they try and it just doesn’t go well. “Well, are you sure you’re doing it right?” “Just relax and it will happen.” “My cousins wife’s sister tried for a year and then took this one herb and she had twins.” “I’ll carry a baby for you!” “Why can’t you just adopt?” “You’re so young. Just have patience. You have plenty of time.” Literally not a single one of those statements is even remotely helpful. Chances are, the people in your life who are infertile don’t talk about it because they’ve had an experience like this. Don’t be that person for them.
2. Empower yourself with knowledge
Honestly, in my opinion, this is the most important thing you could do to help someone you love journeying through infertility. Spend some time diving deep into educating yourself about diagnoses, treatments and all things medically related infertility.
As an infertility patient, you likely know approximately nothing until you are tossed headfirst into it and then it becomes your second job to do endless amounts of research and educating and advocating for yourself. If you want to understand what your loved one is facing, do some good ole Googling. There are so many misconceptions about… conception.
Here are some things to know to start you off:
Pregnancy is not a cure for infertility. Infertility is a diagnosable medical condition. Most couples who struggle to get pregnant and stay pregnant will always have that struggle to some capacity regardless of how many children they eventually have.
Stress does not cause infertility. Infertility causes stress.
Not all infertility treatments are IVF.
IVF is extremely complicated, different for every couple and doesn’t always lead to a baby. When I say complicated, I mean complicated. Each protocol is uniquely tailored to each woman by her doctor. Talk to your loved one about which steps she is going through and then do some quick research to try to get a better understanding. Knowing generally what your loved one is referring to when they say things like egg retrieval, stims, PGS, FET, OHSS and beta is exceptionally helpful.
30/30/30/10: 30% of infertility cases are male factor, 30% of infertility cases are female factor, 30% is combination of both partners and in 10% of cases the cause of infertility is unknown.
Some patients may only be able to conceive through IVF (in vitro fertilization), less than 3% of couples turn to it to create a pregnancy. Nearly 90% of cases are treated with drug intervention, surgeries, IUI or a combination of therapies.
6.7 million people each year have trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy.
While most experts agree that age is a contributing factor when it comes to infertility (a woman’s egg quality and quantity declines naturally with age), a very young couple can struggle with infertility too and they are also on a race against a clock. Please don’t ever tell someone, “you’re young - you have plenty of time”.
The natural rate of conception for a completely healthy, young couple who times everything absolutely perfectly is only 20% each cycle at the very best. Even very treatable cases of infertility like PCOS can put a couple’s chances of natural conception at < 1% each cycle.
Infertility has extreme emotional affects and does affect mental health quickly. It’s almost impossible to understand the hurt, frustration, exhaustion, insecurity and anxiety that couples feel unless you’ve been there yourself. You won’t be able to truly sympathize with your friend but education will help you come close.
Just because a woman is infertile doesn’t mean she needs a surrogate. Please don’t offer without knowing more about her situation (honestly, maybe just don’t ever offer…?). Gestational carriers are used in unique situations - they’re not beneficial to every infertile couple. Your loved one might be perfectly capable of carrying her own child.
Infertility is extremely expensive. Finances keep a lot of couples from pursuing more invasive, nuanced, advanced treatments. Please remember this before you ask or think, “why don’t you just do [insert treatment here]?”.
Fertility drugs have some really awful side effects.
It’s very difficult to remember to make time for self care. Just managing the treatment schedules, financial counseling paperwork, informed consent courses, ordering supplies, going to appointments and advocating for yourself is a full time job. Many, many hours are spent essentially being your own treatment manager.
It’s almost impossible to continue to “live your life” while undergoing infertility treatments. You can’t plan more than a few weeks ahead at a time (during the most intensive parts of treatment you may not even know if your next appointment is tomorrow or the next day - things change literally daily) and you’re at the clinic several times a week. Infertility treatments prevent you from planning a vacation 6 months ahead because of the fear that you wouldn’t be home for a vital appointment and you’d have to skip an entire cycle.
Infertility is so much more than just not being able to get or stay pregnant.
A positive pregnancy test is only a relief for a split second. Especially for those who suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL), a positive pregnancy test is just a split second of joy that leads to a lot more anxiety and worry. There are more complications involved with pregnancies and births that resulted from infertility treatments when compared to those who conceived naturally. Couples who conceive through assisted reproductive technology will have lots more treatments, interventions, monitoring and potential complications.
For most couples, experiencing infertility will make them more thankful than imaginable to be experiencing a pregnancy but it will rob them of ever being able to blissfully enjoy the passing weeks as their baby grows. Anyone who experiences infertility knows SO MUCH about all of the billions of little things that have to go perfectly right for a baby to be born alive and healthy. It can deprive them of the ability to truly enjoy a pregnancy without worry.
And on a similar note, it may be helpful for you to educate yourself about the nuances of adoption as well - the expenses, the complications, the waiting. Adoption is not an alternative to infertility treatment. It is an entirely different challenge and adventure all on its own.
3. Don’t offer advice
Here’s the thing, unless you have also faced infertility or are a physician or nurse specializing in it, offering your advice probably isn’t all that helpful. We all know that it’s well-meaning but try to refrain from offering advice. If you have faced infertility, please be cautious when offering advice. You know better than most how unique each person’s situation can be.
4. Don’t complain about your own pregnancy or children to them
Listen, we get it. Pregnancy isn’t always pretty and parenting isn’t often easy. A lot of the drugs that people take for infertility give them amplified pregnancy-like symptoms (talk about rude and mean). The nausea is horrific, the exhaustion is very real. We get it.
You have every right to vent about any pregnancy or parenting difficulties and discomforts - but try not to put that on your infertile friend. While they are likely to understand, it could be triggering. Try to remember that your infertile loved one is probably putting themself through hell in all facets of their life to experience those joys that are currently causing you pain, sickness, annoyance and frustration.
5. Check in
Much like cancer treatments, things can change rapidly when someone is receiving infertility treatments. One week might look completely different than the next. If you’re close and they’re comfortable sharing, check in with your loved one about what is next, what they’re waiting on, what their results were from a recent test, etc.
If you know when your friend is in the dreaded, awful, miserable two week wait after another ovulation or IUI or the days after an egg retrieval when they’re waiting for their embryos to make it to blast or they’ve done an embryo transfer… try to spend some time distracting them in their various times of waiting. Whether that’s a coffee date together or just texts, those days can feel like they take years and it’s by far the most agonizing part of treatment.
6. Follow their lead
Sometimes… we just want to complain to complain. We have a lot to complain about. But in general, it’s very helpful to mirror your loved one’s tone when talking about infertility. If they seem down in the dumps and sad, be sad with them. If they’re pissed off, anger is the way to go. If they’re chatty and giving lots of details, that’s a great opportunity for you to ask some questions and learn more about how they’re feeling. If you’re really not sure how to respond… just ask! This sucks. Are we really angry or are we sad crying. I can do either. Let me know!
7. Advocate
If you want your friends and loved ones to know that you support them, advocate for them. It can be making a donation to an infertility awareness charity or as simple as sharing social media posts. Infertility Awareness Week happens in April annually but every day is a good day to share something you see on social media that pertains to infertility and pregnancy loss. Even if it’s never affected you, your loved ones will appreciate that you’re willing to take a few seconds and hope to educate your own friends and followers about the difficulties of infertility. There’s so, so much stigma, misunderstanding and shame associated with not being able to conceive or sustain a pregnancy and that’s a massive part of why couples stay quiet and feel isolated. We need to break that!
8. When it is just too hard to say it with words…
Sometimes words fail us. Sometimes they seem like they just aren’t enough. If you’re ever feeling like you need to support someone you love during their infertility treatment or loss, there are some ways you can send them a little bit of cheer and caring.
Uniquely Knitted Box - Uniquely Knitted is a non-profit dedicated to eliminating the invisibility in infertility. They have these super sweet boxes with a candle, chocolate, a beautiful blanket and a mug that you can send to someone you love.
Something cute and comfy - Little Mama Shirt Shop has an entire collection dedicated to infertility! I have the #InfertilityMama shirt and the Choose Brave shirt! They’re great for wearing to appointments or just being comfortable at home.
Meaningful socks that give back - The Cozy Warrior is a 501(c)3 non-profit founded by Anna and Jeremy, who have been on an infertility journey for 7 years. “According to Traditional Eastern Medicine, it’s important to keep your feet warm during conception. The idea is that in extension, you’re keeping your uterus and womb warm, which is super important along with proper blood circulation for successful implantation and growth at conception.” So gift a pair of Cozy Warrior socks to someone you love!
Say it with flowers - Colorful cut blooms never fail to brighten someone’s day and make them feel loved.
Help her document the journey - I do NOT like to journal. I’ve never been the type. But I fear that as we get farther into treatment and it becomes more and more complicated, I’ll start to forget all of the little details. I don’t want to forget how hard we’ve worked already and all of the stress, pain, anxiety and hope. I found Emily Ley’s Simplified Journal and it’s absolutely perfect for documenting an infertility journey. I enjoy that it’s so simple and there is a brain dump page where I can paste printed photos that I take related to our treatment. It comes in pink, aqua and kelly green.
Chocolate. Always Chocolate. Just send chocolate. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson
Pineapples are a symbol of awareness for the infertility community. You’ll find lots of cute pineapple socks and other wearables if you search for “infertility gifts”.
Give the gorgeous gift of practicality: TWO THUMBS UP FOR USEFUL GIFTS!!! All of the things above are incredibly sweet and will be adored but if you’re like me, you love practical items that you know people will use!
MyVitro fertility caddy, shot station and/or IVF organizer: These are a wonderful gift for someone who has chosen to do IVF. In vitro fertilization requires several daily shots and all of those require a lot of supplies. An organized space will help calm and organize their mind and thoughts.
The holy grail of pregnancy tests: Anyone who is trying to conceive knows about a FRER. First Response Early Result are the tests we hoard and save and try so hard not to use. They’re the most sensitive tests on the market but are also quite expensive. If you know someone struggling to conceive and you’re close with them (otherwise it’s weird)… send them a few boxes of FRERs so they can pee on a stick as much as they want without feeling like they just peed away all of their money.
Ice packs: Shots hurt. Enough said.
A cute pill organizer: Even when you’re not doing IVF, infertility usually means a lot of vitamins and supplements. This one and these are super cute and practical!
A heating pad: Simple but very useful for sore spots during shots, aches and bloats after egg retrieval and just cozying up for comfort in bed.
Let someone else’s words do the talking: I’m a huge, huge fan of Emily McDowell. In fact, it’s one of her quotes that really got me comfortable with and helped me find purpose in talking about our infertility. “Hearing someone else’s story is how we make sense of our own. Telling our story is what alchemizes our pain into someone else’s medicine.” Emily McDowell and Friends has cards for Reasonable Achievements and Empathy which are wonderful for sending some snail mail encouragement or sympathy to someone you love.